Keeping up appearances

I have a lot of pet hates this day and age. Not too many to make me sound crabby, but enough to save up when I'm 80 and all i enjoy doing is sitting in an arm chair commenting about the world around me with a blanket on my legs.
However, my no.1 pet hate has to be, the issues of weight.

Now, being overweight is scorned these days due to illnesses etc. and yet being as skinny as me ain't so dandy either. These days, everytime someone says 'why don't you eat more?' I either look at them with that evil glint in my eye, or reply with 'because I hate food' (which is a lie but probably what they expect to hear). If they react with shock and say 'really??' I reply, 'no but I'm fed up of that god damn question.'
It's not my fault I'm skinny. I don't visit the loo the throw up, eat less than I should, I don't take things to make myself this way.
I just happen to have a fast metabolism and be a very active person. I would much rather walk the 30 mins home from the broadway station then wait 15 mins for the bus which I can out walk due to traffic.
And yet, I feel guilty when I'm watched with envy, and feel I shouldnt be the way I am for the sake of others.
My childhood consisted of games of trying to make me gain weight. At first they were funny, but then it pissed me off because I began to realise it could have been seen as a slight (unintentional) slur on the way my mother fed me. Although I admit I was a pain in the arse to feed as I thought it was a waste of time when I could be doing something much more interesting. Now, however, I appreciate my mother's food much more as I've matured!
It annoys me that I can't join girly conversations because guaranteed it's going to turn to the topic of clothing and someone will say 'and then I realised I was no longer a size 12. you know what its like seeing that style you like you just can't work', and naturally I then get quick 'looks' from the group engaged in a conversation I really can't join. And god forbid if I make a jokey reference to myself dieting.

So trust me....if you say I'm lucky because I'm this size, the truth is I don't feel it. Try being envied/hated for the body you can't help having. It's not fun. I can't even wear certain outfits on certain occasions as I want to avoid the looks of 'god does she eat??' from others.
The answer is YES I DO! Unfortunately, I don't have a large appetite so I don't eat much, and it's a pain in the arse because I'm constantly hungry, yet get full up too soon. And the reason I will always leave that little bit of food on the plate is because I feel if I eat that one last piece, I'll become full and bloated, preventing me from partaking in the activity planned for the day without feeling like I'm carrying a weight around inside me and feeling sluggish....not because I'm trying to control my figure. For example, Tom and I went to dinner. I ate most of the pasta on my plate until I physically couldn't any more as I could feel the waitresses looking at me. Then for the first hour of the film we went to see, all I could think of was 'dear god I am full!!' I felt like I could barely move, and I hated it because I couldn't concentrate on the film.

I've tried milkshakes, and I've tried eating high calorie, high fat foods (I'm not the biggest fan of cream cakes and such) but it never makes a difference.

I don't mind people commenting on my weight. That I don't mind at all. What bugs me is when people make comments making it sound like I haven't tried to gain weight, or it's my fault I'm 'too skinny'.
If I went up to someone and said 'god your huge...have you tried eating less?' I would be seen as a social insect and frowned upon.
I don't tell people to loose weight....what gives them the right to tell me I'm too skinny and to gain weight?

I'm sorry if this sounds crabby and naggy, but I've lived with this issue for most my life now....I feel I have a right to talk out about it

Just a little something...

I took this little idea from Tom's webpage (link should be on the right somewhere)
Just a little something...can't think of anything philosophical to write because of my current surroundings...so then...enjoy

Ten years ago, I:
1. I was 12, looking at my fellow school children, fascinated by their mentalities
2. being laughed at for being different (whilst I laughed at them for being the same)
3. Longing for the days I could stop studying

Five years ago, I:
1. Just entered college and discovered 16 year olds can be as bad as 12 year olds.
2. was Getting mentally messed around by my first boyfriend and 'friends'.
3. Was encountering experiences which have made me much stronger.

One year ago, I:
1. was hating every minute of uni work.
2. was struggling in a relationship which had really run it's course but trying not to loose a friend.
3. Finding a new life with people who've been fantastic.

So far this year, I:
1. Feel finally at peace with a man who's everything I want and more.
2. Finally graduated and got a job
3. Finally feel like I'm where I've been wanting to be all these years

Yesterday, I:
1. Decided to start a new thread in the weave of my life
2. Loved him just that little bit more (lol feel the cheese)
3. Became incredibly relieved finding out that the person banging on the window was my housemate who'd forgotten her keys, not a mad axe-wielding drunkerd who felt bored.

Today, I:
1. Warmed up the room for Tom who came in from -6 after his night shift.
2. Became more adament to change that new thread in my life.
3. Hated another person due to their complete disrespect towards me in something that had nothing to do with me

Tomorrow, I:
1. will appreciate the fact that I live with Tom and don't have to make special time or I'd never see him.
2. Wait for my debit card to arrive a little longer
3. Start hoping that Tom gets his time off for the spring feast.

In one year, I will:
1. As Tom says, be living with him in our own little place.
2. hopefully be rising the ranks of my new job.
3. still be in contact with all my friends (you know who you are).

In five years, I will:
1. have my own mag.
2. Possibly have a new car (I'm sure this one is on it's last legs).
3. start thinking 'where will I be in 5 years time.

But we'll see...take cross every bridge as you get to it. And walk, don't run, or there's a chance of tripping

Pensive Fabrication

Simple, yet complex...I like it:


This piece of work is something i did whilst a friend of mine lay asleep on the bed. I simply drew a very basic image, coloured in a few bits, then went crazy on the filters. What came out was pleasantly surprising so I decided to keep it. In my view, i want people to look at it, and see what they want to see. Its nothing very specific. I find it a curious image to have resulted in as it's fairly dark, and I tend to use more bluish, purple colours in my works.

As I said...I like it.

Emmanuelle Beart

This is..as you may have guessed...a sketch of Emmanuelle Beart, a believe a famous actress.
I did this drawing a very long time ago. I remember looking at her face on the front page of a magazine and feeling an overwhelming need to draw her. She's a stunning woman and I thought if I could achieve this drawing, I could manage anything (ironically I haven't done much since then). I spent hours working on her lips and eyes, as her lips have a very unique shape and the eyes...well unless they are completely lifelike compared to the picture, I won't give up.
I'm not often proud of my work, and if anything find the results very unsatifactory. Yet looking back at this picture, I find myself filling with pride! Now I've finally got round to putting it up, I hope it's enjoyed by everyone who views it as much as I enjoyed the challenge of drawing it.